Tuesday, September 16, 2008

mama says he's bona fide.

I've been thinking that I want to become very, very honest. Even though I do try to be a deliberate truth-teller, and in my relationships, while I still have much to learn, I've been led to be much more real and open--still, I know there's a place of courageous security and costly valuing of genuineness, complete allegiance to the goodness of simple truth, that it's easy to slip from if you're not careful. I've felt this recently, especially when I've walked away from conversations with people I don't know too well: I've been literally honest, but have I been real or misleading? Even if you're being careful until people build trust with you, I think there's a large degree of raw honesty that is safe and shouldn't be lost to insecurity.

And even in simple truthfulness, I think you find the lines become easily blurred when you feel vulnerable and aren't rooted in a deeper level of careful integrity. It can be easy to be shyly evasive, let people keep their assumptions, protect ourselves from trouble or seeming weakness, and try to give an impression that keeps the doors of interest and relationship open with people. But if only I realised how safe I am--and how a lot of the time truthfulness is attractive anyway, or at least allows the freedom of taking responsibility for parts of who you are, what you value and what you do. Imagine living with the realness, security and wisdom of the life that is offered to us, no strings attached. I feel challenged in this right now, and am going to try to catch myself on it and make sure my heart hears and learns :)

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